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Fish Scroll/Script
Opening Sequence :Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and something smells fishy! :Jake: It's you. :Amir: Ha ha, yeah. Episode :and Amir are at their desks. Amir holds up a scroll. :Jake: No. No. :begins throwing things from his desk at Amir. Amir uses the scroll to deflect them as he unrolls it. :Jake: Hey. Hey. No. Stop it. :Amir: a pad of Post-it notes "Top Ten Fish to Fry", by Rodrigo O! "O" as a strange moan :Jake: Was that noise your new last name? :Amir: Yes. :Jake: Why, oh why are interested in frying fish? :Amir: "Number ten: Could I borrow a pen?" a pen "So I could write down the name of this fish, ya bish! Makes girls sad, squirrels mad, and men grin! Look no further than the almighty... penguin." :Jake: Not a fish. :Amir: Not a bird! :Jake: You think anything that's not a bird is a fish? nods. And yes, it is. It's a flightless bird. :Amir: That's a fightless turd. :is speechless. :Amir: "Number nine: a sashimi is fine. You don't have to fry your really old dish. Just go to McDonald's and get a Filet-O-Fish. :Jake: So what are you saying? The number nine fish to fry is a...? :Amir: It's a sashimi. :Jake: So not frying a fish, but then getting a fried fish-- :Amir: Um, yeah, a Filet-O-Fish. :Jake: --at McDonald's. :Amir: Yeah. :Jake: What? :Amir: "Number eight: Fill your plate. When this fat fish died, we ate catfish, fried! But don't let this mustachian fool you. This fish is all woman... and a crustacean drool cube." :Jake: ...How are you getting dumber? :Amir: Excuse? :Jake: Stop saying that. I've asked you. :Amir: ...Fair. "Number seven: A Bacon named Kevin. That's right, this Footloose star has gone too far! I say we dip him in oil, and serve him to a horde of angry fans." :Jake: That's cannibalism! :Amir: Excuse? :Jake: You know what? Forget it. What has Kevin Bacon done that's gone too far? ...Please just done your work. :Amir: "Done your work"! :Jake: "Do your work," I said. :Amir: a Southern accent "Done your work!" :Jake: Done your work. Do your work. :Amir: doing an accent "Hey, you over there! Let's all done our work--" :Jake: Okay, I misspoke. You just said "crustacean drool cube", on purpose. :quietly turns his attention to the scroll. :Jake: Back to the list. :Amir: "Number six: Put your halibut on sticks. No need to fry it; that's bad for your diet. Not to mention it'll clog your arteries, and make you smell like a fartery. Pee-yew." then, pronouncing "PU" "Poo." :Jake: "Pee-yew, poo". :chuckles. :Jake: So twice on this list of top ten fish to fry, you've suggested not frying the fish. Once, you suggested we fry and eat Kevin Bacon-- :Amir: simultaneously Kevin Bacon. :Jake: I mean, what is wrong with you? doesn't respond. This is so bizarre. Why is this our interaction? It's come to this. :Amir: "Number--" :Jake: You've run out of ideas, haven't you. :Amir: "Number five..." :Jake: You really have. :Amir: "Number five". "Number five is Ryan Gosling, starred in Drive--" :Jake: So you want to fry and eat him as well. :Amir: out his hand to interrupt Jake Jumping to conclusions. "What was his favorite fried fish, at the craft services table?" :Jake: ...I don't know! :Amir: Do you not? ...Neither do I. I was hoping you'd, uh... a hopping motion with his hand ...jump in right there with that. :Jake: Are you kidding me? What a weird hand motion. :makes the motion a few more times. It looks progressively less like jumping. :Jake: ...God, I hate your fingers. :Amir: Never matter. It's probably, like, lox or something. :Jake: Not a fried fish. :Amir: You think Gosling eats fried fish? Ya fucking idiot, he's an Adonis! :Jake: You said! You said, "What's his favorite fried fish?" :Amir: Gosling's on a strict no-fried-fish diet. You know it, I know it-- :Jake: Now you know what he eats. :Amir: --the American people know it. :Jake: A second ago, you had no idea what he ate. Now you know whether he doesn't eat fried fish. :Amir: "Number four..." :Jake: So why'd you include him on the list? :Amir: "Drop your bass to the floor!" to the tune of "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj "My big piranha don't want naan unless you fry that bun! Oh my cod. Look at that cut. Oh my cod. I like halibut--" :throws a pencil at Amir. Amir doesn't deflect it. The pencil stabs him in the throat and stays there. :Jake: ...Holy shit. :Amir: "Number three: Is it dim in here, or is it just me?" :Jake: I am sorry... :Amir: It's fine. "Haddock--" ..."Haddock is--" ..."Number three..." :Jake: We have to go to a hospital. :Amir: I'll go in a bit. "Number two? Nah. It's tuna. Forget tilapia, whitefish, and speck. A deep-fried tuna... will help you forget the pain in your neck." :Jake: Did you know this was gonna happen? :Amir: It's a fortunate coincidence. "Number one: This pencil's no fun." :Jake: You're absolutely freestyling. :turns the scroll around. The one thing written on it is "1. This pencil's no fun. :( -Rodrigo O!" :Jake: ...You wizard. You warlock. :Amir: "I taste only blood, perhaps a bit of lead. Soon the fried fish won't be all whom are dead. My friend did this to me, he's a murderous beast. But let my last words be this: Fried fish is a feast." :Jake: Nice. :Amir: "And now I'm deceased." :begins rolling up the scroll very slowly and calmly. Jake watches in bewilderment. :Amir: Um... I do fear that I'm actually going to die.